Human suffering.

In the wake of Rush Limbaugh's extraordinary demonstration of human decency, we have another response to Michael J. Fox's campaign ad -- a supergroup of concerned celebrities giving us their opinion of stem-cell research:



This deserves analysis. First, of course, we have James Caviezel (known for playing Jesus in a recent film by B'nai B'rith award-winner Mel Gibson) and, to his right, what appears to be one corner of Christ Himself. He (Caviezel) murmurs something reverently in what we suppose is Aramaic, although no one on our staff has been able to determine the language for certain. It could just as easily be Finnish. This would seem to indicate that Christ has approved this message.

Then appears Jeff Suppan, a "pitcher" for the St. Louis Cardinals, who are apparently some form of sports organization. (Our fact-checkers are looking into it.) His nickname, according to the ever-invaluable Wikipedia, is Soup. He informs us that the state law in question will make cloning a "Constitutional right." The passage of this law would apparently allow innumerable and dangerous clones to overrun society, possibly engineering some form of revolt. The sports world is understandably concerned.

So much so that Kurt Warner, another sports figure (Wikipedia again) who may or not be affiliated with Soup. Among other accomplishments Mr. Warner apparently recently won the NFC's Offensive Player of the Week award. (We can only assume that this is an honor and not a personal judgment.) Mr. Warner informs us that no cures would be possible for "at least fifteen years," thus dashing any hopes of instant gratification. This then means money down the drain. Fifteen years is an unimaginable amount of time. By then we may very well all be dead.

Patricia Heaton, who like everybody else loves Raymond (which during its run was the most popular network show among conservatives, as opposed to "The West Wing" among liberals), warns us that lower-income women will be "seduced" into selling their eggs, then using the money, presumably, not to better their lives, but instead to buy crack and cheap wine.

In a rare display of solidarity in the world of professional sports, another player (for somebody... who can keep track of it all?), Mark Sweeney, tells us that twenty-five women have died and 6000 have complained of complications. He does not actually say from what, or where, or how, but we must assume that this is the result of lower-income egg-selling, which apparently this amendment will make compulsory.

A quick reappearance by Kurt Warner, pointing out that the amount of money that has been spent telling Missourians that this amendment is good must mean that it's not. No corresponding figure is given on how much money has been spent to convince them otherwise. We can only assume a great deal less. Then Christ returns, and tells the camera, "You know now. Don't do it. Vote no on 2." The effect is devastating.

What can we say? Clearly all of these celebrities and sports persons have had their lives directly affected by these horrors: Soup has been cloned, Warner has waited fifteen years for nothing, Patricia Heaton has been seduced, Sweeney has suffered complications, and James Caviezel has of course died for the sins of all mankind. In the face of such a display of suffering, how is it that Michael J. Fox can dare to show his face?

It is our official prediction (think carefully) that the amendment to allow stem-cell research will not pass in Missouri.