The Limbaugh/Bush tragedy.

A terrible tragedy has occurred here at DHAIP. One of our staffers, asked to prepare a follow-up report to our previous post regarding the Bush/Limbaugh interview that took place earlier this week, has apparently gone insane.

Several days of repeated knocking at his office door produced no result; when the door was forced, we found him collapsed on the floor, in front of what can only be described as a sort of crude shrine that he had built, on which lay obscenely doctored photographs of the president and the popular radio commentator, surrounded by what appeared to be animal parts, feathers, and old copies of the New Republic. A spot analysis of his state by one of our resident psychiatrists concluded that the negative emotions triggered by reading the transcript -- which is here, but consider yourself warned -- produced some sort of terrible psychotic episode followed by a complete mental breakdown. The whole matter is now in care of medical authorities and the police.

Our thoughts are with him in this dark hour.

He had apparently begun work on some sort of bizarre dramatization of the president's interview before madness gripped him fully. We publish it in the possibility that it will shed some light on his tragic mental state.

Note: This transcript appears to have been altered and edited in certain key places. It is clearly the work of a diseased mind and should not be taken as an authoritative text of the interview. So far as we know, there is nothing "suspect" about Rush Limbaugh's feelings about the president, nor has the president, to our knowledge, ever referred to the Chinese people in derogatory terms. Details about the president's clothing cannot be verified.


(Scene: a radio broadcaster's booth. RUSH waits in breathless, barely controlled excitement. Throughout the following interview he writhes orgiastically in his chair, his lower lip trembling, and pauses occasionally to sniff his own perspiration. Two SECRET SERVICE AGENTS enter and sweep the room, followed by two HERALDS bearing silver trumpets, who blow a brief fanfare. Two liveried SERVANTS then follow, and take kneeling positions on either side of the door. After an impressive pause THE PRESIDENT enters, wearing perfumed silk robes, his head adorned with fantastic plumes, his bare torso invitingly oiled.)

RUSH: Mr. President.

(He abases himself.)

THE PRESIDENT: Hey, Rush, how are you?

(THe servants bring forward a velvet rug, on which the President reclines.)

RUSH: Never better. It's a thrill to have you on the program today and many thanks for making time for us. Your perfume blinds me with its magnificence.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you.

RUSH: How are you doing?

THE PRESIDENT: I'm doing great. I really am. I like a contest, and we're in a really important contest, and so I'm doing fine. I feed off the crowds and feed off the enthusiasm and feed off the blood of sacrifice. It's kind of like a reminder of how I got here in the first place.

(The two men laugh obscenely.)

RUSH: Many people, I guess -- in the opposition press, the opposition party, the degenerates -- are incredulous that you are optimistic about the outcome next Tuesday. Why is that? Why are you optimistic? What do you know that they don't? Tell me, tell me, O life-giver.

THE PRESIDENT: First of all, I fully understand that here in Washington people are trying to proclaim the election over with, but I've had that experience before.

(More laughter. Rush excitedly scoots forward his chair, spilling pornographic photographs across the floor.)

So one reason I'm optimistic is I trust the will of the people and not the national punditry. Secondly, I know that we're right on the issues -- low taxes and winning the war on terror and protecting the American people. So I believe if our candidates continue to talk about the strong economy, based upon low taxes, and an administration in a Congress that was willing to give professionals the tools necessary to protect them, we'll win this election.

RUSH: When you go out on the campaign trail or when you're in your... private moments...

(An uncomfortable pause. The President maintains his radiant smile.)

...do you think of the consequences of governing with a Democrat majority in either the House or the Senate when it comes to things like tax cuts and the war on terror?

THE PRESIDENT: No, I really don't think about the idea of having a Democrat-led House and Senate because I don't think it's going to happen. Shall they hoist me up and show me to the shouting varletry? Rather a ditch in Egypt be a gentle grave to me. Rather on Nilus' mud lay me stark naked, and let the waterflies blow me into abhorring.

(A brief silence.)

RUSH: Oh, I know.

THE PRESIDENT: So there's just a different mindset, Rush.

RUSH: Yeah, but you've got a sizable number of Democrats who are trying to stop you from even finding terrorists. The New York Times, some other national newspapers, have published classified secrets of the United States during wartime. Everything from blowing up the financial tracking program that you had, to trying to destroy the Patriot Act, to trying to destroy your Foreign Surveillance Act. The leakers haven't been identified or punished. The American people are outraged about this, Mr. President. I am outraged. I am filled with the drunkenness of hate.

(His eyes shine with animal ferocity. The President adopts a stern expression, his noble brow creased.)

THE PRESIDENT: Obviously as Commander-in-Chief, Rush, I'm deeply concerned about our secrets being made known. There's a Justice Department Task Force or Justice Department group that are in the process of gathering the information necessary to find whether or not they can find the leakers. They will be flayed with stinging nettles.

RUSH: Yes.

THE PRESIDENT: Their stripped bodies licked by flame.

RUSH: Oh God, yes.

THE PRESIDENT: Unimaginable torments are being prepared.

RUSH: I can imagine them.

THE PRESIDENT: But all that means is we gotta win on November 7th. People come up to me all the time and say "Thank you for protecting us." Sometimes they kneel to me. I bid them rise, and say unto them, "I'm going to continue to protect you, but I need a Congress that understands the stakes." Osama Bin Laden himself has said that it's just a matter of time before the United States loses its will and retreats.

(Rush shudders as if from a sudden chill.)

RUSH: He frightens me. Those eyes. I have dreams sometimes, terrible dreams--

THE PRESIDENT: Give me a second here, Rush, because I want to share something with you.

RUSH: Glowing eyes in the night.

THE PRESIDENT: Rush, I am deeply concerned about a country, the United States, leaving the Middle East. I am worried that rival forms of extremists will battle for power, obviously creating incredible damage if they do so; that they will topple modern governments, that they will be in a position to use oil as a tool to blackmail the West.

RUSH: Oh God, no.

THE PRESIDENT: People say, "What do you mean by that?" I say, "If they control oil resources, then they pull oil off the market in order to run the price up, and they will do so unless we abandon Israel, for example, or unless we abandon allies. You couple that with a country that doesn't like us with a nuclear weapon and people will look back at this moment and say, 'What happened to those people in 2006?' and those are the stakes in this war we face."

(Rush moans in terror. He is sweating terribly. The President lays a hand on his knee to calm him.)

On the one hand we've got a plan to make sure we protect you from immediate attack, and on the other hand we've got a long-term strategy to deal with these threats, and part of that strategy is to stay on the offense.

(Rush breathes deeply and smiles, relieved.)

RUSH: Well, that is extremely visionary. One of the things, if I may make this personal--

THE PRESIDENT: You may.

(A servant smirks knowingly.)

RUSH: --one of the many things I've admired about you is that you see down the road 20 or 30 years. You just illustrated that with your comment. What if down the road 20 years we look back to this time and with 20-20 hindsight realize we blew it. You're not, as far as it sounds to me, you're not going to let that happen. You're going to do whatever it takes to secure victory.

THE PRESIDENT: I am and I fully understand the nature of this enemy. One: they're great propagandists, and two: they truly believe they can cause us to retreat by inflicting enough damage, and three: they're lethal. The recent debate here on Iraq, some say Iraq is a "distraction" from the war on terror. My answer to them is, listen to Osama Bin Laden. He is the seer of all things, the glowing center in the sapphire of eternal wisdom. He says: "Our objective is to defeat America, which will disgrace America, which embolden the terrorists." I hate and fear him, yet I admire him. One may fear the tiger as a death-bringer, but may one not also admire the tiger's magnificence?

(Rush is unable to hide his tumescence. A Secret Service agent coughs.)

RUSH: Mr. President, we hear a lot of things from troops in Iraq, both troops that are there and troops who have returned. To a man and woman, they are shocked, they say, when they get back here, turn on the news, and look at the reporting of how things are going. They think there are tremendous successes that have taken place in Iraq, and it frustrates them. It frustrates me.

THE PRESIDENT: Let me say something about our troops, Rush. I am... I guess "amazed" is the proper word at how courageous our troops are, and I am amazed at the fact that they are so capable, and that they volunteer in the midst of this war to defend us, and these troops deserve all the support of the United States of America, and they understand as well as anybody that we are making progress in Iraq, and they know when their comrades are out there fighting that they're bringing enemies to justice, and, and, and, um, and, the morale in our military is high because these young men and women understand the stakes. Reenlistment rates are very high and recruitment rates are strong, which all says to me we've got an amazing country when we've got people who put on the uniform say, "Put me in. I want to go fight for this country." That's why my voice is so loud in saying to our troops: "What you're doing is noble and important and you're going to win and history will look back and thank you for your sacrifices."

(One of the servants has been reduced to womanlike tears. All present are moved. A great hush falls over the room. When Rush speaks again, it is in an awestruck whisper.)

RUSH: Before we go -- I know time is dwindling -- I must ask you about North Korea, because I find this fascinating. Your critics have been demanding bilateral talks, just the United States and North Koreans. North Korea sets off their so-called nuclear test and now, all of a sudden, after you maintaining the six party talks as being key to solving the issue, it's North Korea who appears to have blinked and you have been proven correct. It's a stunning development that has been greeted with silence, Mr. President. It really has. You stared them down. The United States did. Let me not make this personal. But I have. It's too late. I can't disguise what I feel.

(Rush has started forward. The President makes a quick motion. A Secret Service agent whispers something to Rush, who controls himself with a massive effort. He breathes deeply and speaks slowly and calmly.)

The United States stared them down. You stuck to your guns, as you do on everything, and the way you think is best to be handled is going to happen. Does this mark any kind of a shift, dramatic or otherwise, in our relationship with China?

THE PRESIDENT: Our relationship with China is a very complex relationship, and it's an important relationship. One great opportunity for China, Rush, is to encourage China to develop a society in which there are savers. In other words, a society in which there's a pension plan. Let me rephrase that: a society in which there's consumers, because now there's a society of too many savers. The reason they're saving so much money is because there's not a pension plan or a legitimate healthcare system. The people, those greedy Easterners, they horde the dirty money they have, anticipating there's going to be a bad day. If we can encourage China to be a country of consumers, you can imagine what it would mean for US producers and manufacturers to have access to that market.

(The President's eyes are shining. He is breathing shallowly.)

We could have them, Rush. We could have them. All those billions of little yellow devils. All giving money to us. And they're not the only ones. An interesting statistic is India, for example, has 350 million people in their middle class--

RUSH: Mr. President, we have to let you go, but before I do so I have to share something with you. When I announced yesterday when the schedule was firmed up that I'd be talking to you today, I got tremendous -- I would say inundated -- with e-mails from people asking me to tell you that they're praying for you.

(The president smiles, bows his head with becoming modesty and waves a benevolent arm. A fresh wave of scent fills the room.)

THE PRESIDENT: Yes.

RUSH: So I wanted to pass that on.

THE PRESIDENT: My answer to those who say they're praying for me is, one: thank you; two: I'm grateful, and three: it matters a lot, and it's a remarkable country where people from all walks of life and all faiths pray for me and Laura and has made a significant difference in my life and I'm grateful. But this is not new to me. In Kansas, Texas, and Mississippi I have been deified. Temples have been built there, and my statues heal cancer victims. In Idaho the residents create huge wicker effigies of me in which virgins and university professors are burned alive, in propitiation to my anger.

RUSH: Mr. President, thank you for your time, and all the best. I look forward to the next time we speak.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, sir. Thank you.

RUSH: President George W. Bush. We'll be back in just a moment.

(Another fanfare blows. The President rises. The servants gather his train. Rush kneels. The President's assemblage departs. Last to go are the Secret Service, covering the room with their pistols and sowing white blossoms in the President's wake. As the commercial break begins Rush sits in mesmerized silence, still engulfed in the lingering drifts of the perfume, the echoes of the trumpets. He is alone now. Night falls on his soul.)